Briefly, the essence of the narcissistic disorder is reduced to a constant desire to increase self-esteem through the opinions of others. Narcissist makes any more or less important life choices based on how others will evaluate it. A narcissistic personality will never buy a motorcycle that will not cause general admiration. A narcissistic personality will never marry a girl who will not cause envy in the circle of his friends. But the narcissistic personality does not see the main thing - all this farce affects only those who are unfamiliar to him. Friends and family members are very quickly bored with this game of singing praises.
How to Spot a Narcissist in a Relationship
So how to spot a narcissist? A narcissistic personality disorder is more likely to affect men than women. A narcissist often destroys his or her family life without even noticing it. For many women, family values are higher than personal ambitions. Even if a woman suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder, she does not lose the ability to control her words and actions, so the risk of harming her family is at risk of losing prestige in society. It is easy to spot a narcissist, but not a female narcissist. But you still can learn how to spot a narcissist woman if you have some suspicion. All the narcissists behave in the same way.
A narcissistic person can be characterized by the following features:
They will never miss the opportunity to brag about and tell about some achievements that make him "special." It is noteworthy that these achievements can be both absolutely realistic and too exaggerated. Sometimes the exaggeration is so great that the Narcissist story about his achievements can be similar to fiction.
A narcissist is waiting for worship and hymns. Always.
How to spot a narcissistic woman? If a narcissist does something, there is only one reason for this: he or she believes that no one can cope better with it than he or she does. The very occupation is of little interest to a narcissist - she or he needs only self-affirmation. Nothing more.
It seems to him that every talent and skill is absolutely unique.
Narcissus thinks that he is incredibly charismatic. It seems to him that he is able to make anyone laugh. It seems to him that all around immediately stop talking when he opens his mouth and says a word. It seems to him that all the girls go crazy because of his smile. Another narcissist writes poetry. Of course, he is sure that it is absolutely unique. If the narcissist got into a company where someone also writes poetry, he would instantly find himself in a situation of great stress and doubt - what if this stupid poet is better than me?
You can easily spot narcissistic personality disorder by this sign: narcissist believes that others will do exactly what he expects from them.
This is very dangerous because narcissists can involve others in their projects, which are built on a personal belief in their own irresistibility. A narcissist can go to the bank and take out a loan for business, based on only one belief - his idea will be supported by everyone because it is genius. At the same time, he can not take criticism. It seems stupid and limited to him. Another characteristic feature of a narcissist is the extremely low level of empathy, that is, the ability to empathize with other people and understand other people's emotions by projecting them onto one's personality and experience.
There are no worse egoists in the world than male narcissists. They can easily sacrifice the interests of friends and family members in order to get another "proof" of their own uniqueness and superiority. The most terrible thing is that it seems to them quite natural.
Distorted perception of reality - that's what unites all narcissists. This is a characteristic feature, without which it is impossible to talk about this mental disorder. Whatever happens in the life of such a person or in the lives of his friends and relatives, each event will be perceived through the same prism. Either the event confirms his greatness, or the event humiliates him. There is no third option.
It is the inability to abstract oneself that creates many problems both for the narcissistic personality and for his environment. A narcissist has difficulty with attachments. What is another person for narcissus? This is only an opportunity to assert himself. Sometimes it is still a source of shame. But rarely "another person" can claim for something more. Of course, narcissists also love, but this love is very specific, based on the ability of the companion to maintain the image of a loved one. If a beloved woman does not know how to say compliments in time or allows herself to praise someone else, she will quickly move from the category of favorites to the category of non grata persons.
A woman should be, on the one hand, beautiful, courteous, educated to be able to emphasize his delicate taste, and on the other hand, she should in no way eclipse his own shine.
Narcissistic love for children is also distorted and often leads to negative consequences. It's not enough to be a healthy, sweet baby. You must crawl before everyone else does, start talking immediately (using complex grammatical constructions, of course), be an excellent student at a school, shine at the institute, get a solid position in an international company. This is the only condition under which a narcissist can experience such a feeling of pride in a child.
Children of narcissistic parents are constantly confronted with a comparison, evaluation, object relationship and often with all their strength for many years try to prove: look at us, we are worthy of your love. It is this attitude of parents that forms the new generation of narcissistic personalities for whom the external attributes of success become the most important in life. Because of this superficial, distorted attitude, many narcissists do not have the ability to survive serious personal or life crises.
How to Deal With Narcissist In a Relationship
So how to deal with a narcissistic partner​? All the features of narcissist written above are also evident in the family. However, it is very difficult deceive family members. The fact is that all his actions are aimed at creating an effect, an image, a facade. He wants others to admire his family happiness and praise him. But family members know the truth: he neglects them and everything that others see is nothing more than a skillful, qualitative fiction. And regarding this reality, you may ask yourself: how to deal with a narcissistic spouse?
Most likely, you face following problems:
Codependent relations. If you do not know how to deal with a female narcissist, try to deal with your psychological problems first. It may really help. The ideal partner for the narcissistic personality is the good old neurotic. For neurotics, an attachment is the greatest value in a relationship. By their desire to stay together, they compensate for the fixation of the narcissists on themselves and ensure the stability of the couple.
Competition. If two narcissists enter into marriage, this always leads to a complex, stressful atmosphere in the relationship. They will compete and thereby contribute to the development of each other. However, painful reactions to someone else's success, jealousy of the popularity of a spouse among friends or envy of a husband's achievements in a career can poison their exciting game. How to deal with a narcissist woman? It is not a problem if you know how to cede.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist means a lack of an emotional response. For a narcissist, as already mentioned, it is difficult to understand the feelings of others, so he often reminds an elephant in a china shop with his aggressive evaluation statements "for the benefit of his family," the lack of tact, a one-sided look at family members and their lives. For example, he is much more interested in what his children have achieved than what they feel. There is only one person whose feelings are important - this is the narcissus himself.
Violation of communication. Narcissus is more focused on "broadcasting" his opinion than hearing others. It is not easy to convince him of something, having violated the image of an "expert in everything" created by him. It's hard to talk about impressions and emotions with him. Therefore, communication is often very superficial, devoid of emotional intimacy. That is why narcissists are almost always extremely boring interlocutors, despite the active lifestyle.
Is it any wonder that the relationship with a narcissist is a constant stress and one big conflict situation? The only one who keeps your marriage intact is you. But the narcissist does not know this and you can not explain it to him, no matter how hard you try.
But if you ask yourself what you can do to make your relationship better, then you have a serious reason for this. In the end, this is your loved person, who has not only negative aspects but many positive too. And you do not want to break up. Then follow our recommendations.
And now let’s talk about ways to deal with a narcissist. First of all, change the style of communication, but not too noticeably. Often talk about your feelings. Do it unobtrusively. "I feel a bit uncomfortable, these are your friends and your company, so I would like you to support me and give me a little attention." Something like this.
Do not lose your identity. Every narcissus has a distorted perception of reality. He is inclined to exaggerate and downplay everything that surrounds him. Even your personality today can cause rapture and worship in him, and tomorrow he will talk about your insignificance. It is important that you have your own idea of your identity so that your partner's mood does not affect it. Know who you are.
Your interests are important. Always remember this. Narcissists are very respectful of personal space. But not about yours. Narcissistic personality can easily invade someone else's personal space and not experience any moral contradictions in doing so. So do not hesitate to state this.
Sometimes it is important to return the narcissus to reality. Narcissus often loses touch with reality in the pursuit of fame and universal attention. There is nothing surprising in the fact that his actions can damage the family both psychologically and financially. For example, he will really want to please his friend in order to become even more popular. Then the narcissist can spend a huge sum to make him a gift, forgetting that his family needs to eat something.
Can a Narcissist Change in a New Relationship? Most therapists tend to believe that this is not possible. The logic of this answer is simple: it's not a partner or a relationship. The point is in wrong settings, complexes, gestalt. The narcissist needs to work with all these things in tandem with a specialist. A new relationship will be nothing more than a new tool for self-assertion of the narcissistic personality.
Sum Up
Your main weapon in a relationship with a narcissist is patience and focus on results. Do not wait for immediate changes - they will not come. But in time, even the most desperate narcissus is amenable to changes in the style of relations - this is confirmed both by science and by the experience of thousands of people who are in romantic connection with the narcissus.