Almost everyone has experienced a breakup with a loved one. This is a very important event since this is the end of something good or bad. More importantly, a breakup is the moment of choice and the beginning of something new. If the choice is correct, it becomes the beginning of a new, better life, a better understanding of love. Of course, in some cases, a breakup helps become adults, loving and happy people. But if you don’t know what to do after a breakup, then you have to read this article.
Anxiety after a breakup
The first phrase that spins in everyone’s head after the words: “I don’t love you anymore!" or “We have to break up!” is “This isn’t happening to me” and “What to say after a breakup?” Consciousness refuses to accept the circumstances and includes a defensive reaction, which is expressed in the denial of what is happening. The soul screams “Noooo!” because joint plans for life, common interests, memories, and dreams – all this has collapsed! Fear, misunderstanding, and intense anxiety are the main experiences of men and women after a breakup.
When you fall in love, then the “happy” hormone dopamine and the “trust” hormone oxytocin increase. And your nervous system literally starts a happy hormonal carousel. You get used to these hormonal bursts as a drug. When a relationship ends, your body seems to take away this drug of happiness. Those areas of the emotional center of the brain that are responsible for love and loss are also a motivational system. You experience the same condition as a person deprived of food, water or drugs. The centers responsible for fear and anxiety also operate at full speed, due to a decrease in the level of oxytocin. Don’t think that you are crazy about suffering after a breakup. You actually abandon the habit. After a breakup, the “happy” hormones will immediately be replaced by stress hormones, including a high level of adrenaline.
Depression after a breakup
Depression after a breakup is known to many people who experience a strong emotional attachment to a person. This condition is exacerbated by depression, apathy, internal discomfort, and is provoked by a sudden breakup in relationships. Depression after a breakup is a kind of suffering of the soul. Many ask: how long does depression last after separation? Relief from psychological dependence in each person is individual, and everything depends on his/her desire, emotional state, type of nervous system, and willpower.
But how to overcome depression after a breakup? It is important to realize what this condition is caused by. One of the basic human needs is the need to be loved because the soul needs it. As soon as someone stops loving or you break up with your loved one, the mind takes this reality very hard. It is very difficult to re-arrange and accept reality as the brain is absorbed in pleasant memories of love. In the moments of separation, depression seems unbearable and painful. But try to accept our tips on how to feel better after a breakup:
1. Accept that you broke up
And this is forever. Yes, this is a serious loss in life. After all, in fact, you are losing part of your life. Feeling lonely after a breakup is normal.
2. Negotiate everything
Your breakup shouldn’t be a one-sided decision. If she leaves you, then even in this case, it is better to talk with her. Say that you will not be together and you will try to forget her. The perfect option is when you both voice that you have to break up not for a while, not to think, and not just because you are tired, but forever.
3. Minimize communication with this girl
This is a temporary measure until you are sure that this communication will not lead to attempts to return everything as it was. If a break up is your decision, but you get bored and decide to have a little more sex with her, then it can make a girl think that it’s still possible to return everything. As a result, you will have unjustified hopes and even more problems and suffering.
4. Try to remove the emotional anchors
Most likely, you have accumulated enough reminders about this girl during a long relationship. Her photos, forgotten things, gifts, bed linens that are impregnated with the smell of her perfume, “your” music and movies, places where you loved to walk with her – it is better to get rid of all this. Each of these anchors, most likely, will cause you nostalgia and memories only about the best moments spent with her. And accordingly, poorly controlled desire to return everything as it was.
5. Diversify your life
The more time you spend on idleness, the more time you think about it. The more you think, the more it seems that it may be better with her. Therefore, moving on after a breakup, it is better to make your life interesting and full of impressions. Do sports, start learning a new language, ask friends what movies to watch after a breakup, set a new professional goal at work, and so on.
6. Start to get acquainted, communicate, and date with other girls
This doesn’t mean to urgently look for her replacement. It’s just necessary to make sure that there is a female society in your life, there is someone to communicate with. Flirt and get positive emotions. Perhaps after a while, one of these girls will become your girlfriend.
7. Return the habitual way of life
A breakup can disrupt the habitual rhythm of life, bring chaos, and change the schedule of your life. It directly indicates the presence of depression. Therefore, a return to normal life will be one of the effective ways to overcome depression.
8. Have a good rest
How to be happy after a breakup? A good rest is an integral part of a harmonious existence. In the period of depression, its value increases hundreds of times. It will allow you to get out of depression, fill the emptiness in your heart, and help you escape from negative thoughts. A few weeks of psychological and physiological vacations will help forget about the pain of a breakup.
9. Don’t make meaningful decisions
During the period of depression, it is impossible to make important decisions that can radically change your life (moving to another city, changing jobs, etc.). An unstable emotional state will not allow a sober assessment of the consequences of such a decision. It is better to let small pleasures into your life for getting out of depression.
10. Don’t compare your ex with other girls
You don’t need the same girl (even if she was an “angel”). Such angels can be met all over the world. Don’t look for a new version of your ex. This will not lead to good. You can start dating after a breakup, communicate, but don’t follow the specific goal of “finding”. It will happen by itself and she will be found.
What not to do after a breakup
We already know what you are ready to do and we will not allow you to do this! What are the most common mistakes we make after a breakup and why they can’t be done?
1. Constantly write and call
This is a pretty obvious rule. Of course, you can start communicating after a month or three-year, but not immediately after a breakup. First, these attempts to communicate are similar to alcohol or drug dependence. No one fights alcoholism getting drunk four times a week, right? Secondly, many studies confirm that people who restrict contact with exes are recovering more quickly after a breakup. Thirdly, if you constantly write to your ex, you give the impression of an unhappy and needy man. Do you want to cause pity?
2. Suggest staying friends
The University of Connecticut conducted a study on a friendship between ex-lovers. Although the controversy over a friendship between men and women will never stop, nevertheless, scientists found out that the quality of friendship without a love story is much higher than those “friendly” relations that can be built with an ex.
3. Idealize finished relationships
Idealization is inextricably connected with nostalgia: we remember those days when we first met, the joyful moments, the joint vacation. And thus you want to return to these good old days. But the more we look into the past, the further we push real prospects. In addition, if everything was so perfect in your relationship, now you would be lying in an embrace with a girlfriend and not with PlayStation.
4. Try to change everything
You were together, but something went wrong, and you decided on a radical step – to break up. If your problems and disagreements were so easily solved, would you have reached such a point? If the idea of fixing everything has occurred to you and you offered a girlfriend to start everything again, then most likely, she would refuse. And if your ex decided to break up, then she knew that it would be better for her.
5. Start new relationships immediately after a breakup
In addition to all the reasons that we have already mentioned, in a “transit” relationship, there is very large risk to develop only a greater dependence on an ex. Are you surprised? Scientists from the University of Toronto conducted a study and concluded that people who didn’t succeed in a new relationship eventually felt even more craving for exes. The fact is that if you enter into a relationship, still grieving over the past, then you simply can’t invest in them. Accordingly, we shouldn’t expect full-fledged relationships: the more we think that our needs can satisfy an ex, the less we rely on a new partner. And after another disappointment, you will only want to return to old, such familiar and idealized relationships.
Staying friends after a breakup: is it possible?
There’s something about it. Surely, many people hear “Let’s be friends” after a breakup. And we all don’t know what does it really mean? Does this mean friendship or simply a good attitude towards each other? Apparently, psychologists also thought about this and came to quite shocking conclusions. Such traits as narcissism and psychopathy and a person’s desire to maintain past relationships have common features. In other words, staying friends after a breakup, people are either narcissists or psychopaths.
Why? Usually, such people are guided by practical or sexual considerations. That is, they want to “remain friends” not because they really worry about their exes, but because they want to use these people for their own purposes or manipulate them. Narcissists, for example, use past relationships because they hate to feel that they are abandoned, that they lose something. Keeping a person in their circle of communication, they feel as if they “won”.
Both narcissists and psychopaths can’t stand the thought that their exes may be with other people or that they will regain full control over their lives. As a result, such people save their relationship with exes to be able to manipulate or control them. That’s why many psychologists recommend breaking ties with exes after a breakup. Staying friends is not the best idea.